Taking My Chances...

I have no idea where I am headed, but what I do know, is that following times of darkness are days of intense brilliance that I can't explain. Things have happened that should have brought me to tears or made me angry, but instead, I rejoiced in God and He made those things beautiful. I'm taking my chances in the new year and living my life in complete dependence on God...I'm trusting Him to lead me through the dark and walking by faith.

I pray you will do the same. It is not easy. In fact, it's harder than anything I've ever done. However, it will be worth it.

"In You I find my meaning, in You I find my beauty."

I Will Not Take My Love Away

Thank you God for not leaving. You spoke to me tonight in the quiet and You told me I needed to be patient. So here I am God waiting for all that You have to show me. I trust and love You. Please don't take Your love away, and I will give all mine to You in the same way. 

Peace...

There is nothing like the feeling of peace coming over and calming a racing heart. Last weekend was really hard. I struggled with not knowing where I was supposed to be going or what I was supposed to be doing and I felt unworthy and useless. God has this way of bringing us back around and I've just been asking for His peace to comfort me and allow me the boldness and patience to deal with these issues and He granted me that peace....He is so wonderful and I praise Him for blessing my life and dropping miracles in my path just so I can see how beautiful life is when it is lived in His glory. Peace of heart when the world crashes down is the most precious gift I could ask for this Christmas season.

Life is beautiful because of the hell we go through. 

God?

I used to think that one day we'd tell the story of us, 

And how we met 

And how the sparks flew instantly 

And people would say they're the lucky ones 

I used to know my place was the spot next to you, 

Now I'm searching the room for an empty seat 

Cause lately I don't even know what page you're on 

Oh, a simple complication, 

Miscommunications lead to a fallout, 

So many things that I wish you knew 

So many walls up, I can't break through 

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room 

And we're not speaking 

And I'm dying to know 

Is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah 

And I don't know what to say since a twist of fate, 

When it all broke down 

And the story of us 

Looks a lot like a tragedy now 

Next chapter 

How did we end up this way? 

See me nervously pulling at my clothes 

And trying to look busy 

And you're doing your best to avoid me 

I'm starting to think one day I'll tell the story of us 

How I was losing my mind when I saw you here 

But you held your pride like you should have held me 

Oh, I'm scared to see the ending, 

Why are we pretending this is nothing? 

I'd tell you I miss you but I don't know how 

I've never heard silence quite this loud. 

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room 

And we're not speaking 

And I'm dying to know 

Is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah 

And I don't know what to say since a twist of fate, 

When it all broke down 

And the story of us 

Looks a lot like a tragedy now 

This is looking like a contest 

Of who can act like they care less 

But I liked it better when you were on my side 

The battle's in your hands now 

But I would lay my armor down 

If you said you'd rather love than fight 

So many things that you wish I knew 

But the story of us might be ending soon 

Now I'm standing alone in a crowded room 

And we're not speaking 

And I'm dying to know 

Is it killing you like it's killing me, yeah 

And I don't know what to say since a twist of fate 

When it all broke down 

And the story of us 

Looks a lot like a tragedy now 

Now, now, now 

And were not speaking, 

And I'm dying to know 

Is it killing you 

Like it's killing me? 

And I don't know what to say since a twist of fate, 

'Cause were going down 

And the story of us 

Looks a lot like a tragedy now 

The End

"Be still and know that I Am God."            I'm so sorry God. 

Beautiful Things..

Wow, who knew God could take something ugly and make it beautiful. God is truly amazing. There is nothing more beautiful than seeing a broken life, an ugly life, made whole and restored. I choose to live a radical life. I'm tired of this lukewarm, comfortable, life. No offense, but it just isn't working for me anymore. God has been so good, yet at the first sign of trouble, we start to doubt. Well, I'm done with that. Life is too beautiful to sit around and mope about what could have been, or should have been, or even what will be. It is all about putting your focus in God who can change the course of humanity with a single breath. I choose to put my faith in that kind of Power. Where will you put your faith?

"You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things

 You make beautiful things out of the dust!"

Forever Reign

"You are good, You are good, when there's nothing good in me."

What a beautiful song to hear right after you have a meltdown. Oh goodness, God has made me realize so many things this week and I can't thank Him enough for just loving me the way He does. The biggest thing I learned is about picking other things above Him. How stupid am I to pick people over the Creator of the universe? But God just loves us through our stupidity. Why? I have no earthly idea, but I am proof that God has greater plans. I came from cursing God a couple years ago to praising Him in the darkest moments of my life. Yet he still pursued me and my heart! Love like that doesn't exist here on earth, but I found it in the Father. I hope and pray that one day I will know that kind of love here on earth, but for now, I rest in knowing that I have a Love that does not fail.

Even when you feel like life is unfair and you want to give up, don't. When you stick through the pain for a night, His joy really does come in the morning. He will bless you for keeping the faith and trusting in Him.

When collapse is what you seek, collapse into His arms and may

 "the riches of His love always be enough." 

Be Still and Know.

In my heart, I know He has a beautiful plan, but it just seems so unfair. I'm trying to be strong for everyone else and all I want to do is collapse. 

Life is...

Oh man-days like this make me want to live forever! There isn't much to say...just that I belong to the most wonderful Man in the world. I don't deserve Him yet He gives me days that just bring me back to see how beautiful life can be...and how beautiful I can be if I let His glory shine upon me. I just praise God for this day, for this day I was made whole in Him.

GOD YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!!!

For Love of You

You live in a million places
Your fingerprints can be seen on a million faces
There's a trace of You
In every halleluia
Every song that I sing

For love of You
I'm a sky on fire
And because of you
I come alive
It's Your Sacred Heart within me beating
Your voice within me singing
out for love of You
For love of you

It's all for you

You are the highway i travel
'Cause i watched You carve streets of gold
From sin and gravel
I gave You brokenness
You gave me innocence
And now this road leads to glory

For love of You
I'm a sky on fire
And because of you
I come alive
It's Your Sacred Heart within me beating
Your voice within me singing
Out for love of You
For love of you

You are my deepest longing
So i see You everywhere
It's You i'm chasing after (chasing after)
'Cause i am captivated by who You are
And how You move
I'll follow You forever

For love of You
I'm a sky on fire
Because of you
I come alive

For love of You
I'm a sky on fire
Because of you
I come alive
It's Your Sacred Heart within me beating
Your voice within me singing
out for love of You
For love of you

It's all for love of you, God
And everyting I do
It's all for love of you

You Know There Is A God When...

Some people believe there is no Creator or God out there, but when I look at my life, all I can see is God. I've been depressed, suicidal, hurt, abandoned and anything else out there, but one thing stays the same....God. He has never left me. Even when I cursed Him, He never left. In the last week I have seen God like no other time in my life. 

• I saw God through a flood of tears in front of His altar. 
• I saw God in my friends who cared enough to check up on me and cheer me up.
• I saw God when I was driving home last night and 3 songs came on one after another encouraging me to push through and find hope.
• I saw God in my family and the way we interact.
• I saw God in a child who knew something was wrong and came to me and said it would be alright.
• I saw God in church when He spoke to me telling me He loved me despite my past.
• I saw God when I returned to Him after picking other things over Him.
• I saw God in the quietness of my heart.
• I saw God in the heart of a woman who cared enough to sit down with me.
• I saw God when He protected me from accidents that could have very well put me in the hospital.
• I saw God as He heals me and makes me new everyday.
• I saw God as he spoke to me through scripture, people, music, and nature.
• I saw God as He helped me make some hard decisions in my life.
• I saw God in the darkness and He gave me light. 
• I saw God in the happiness of a friend as she chose to give it all to Christ.
• I saw God as He restored the relationship between one of my friends and her boyfriend. 
• I saw God when I realized it was okay to argue with Him, because He would rather hear the honesty of our hearts than the bull we try to give Him. (Credit to Mrs. Denise aka Mom). 
• I saw God as I sat praising Him at 1 in the morning just because of who He is.
• I saw God when He answered prayer...and continues to do so.

Where have you seen God? I encourage you to make a list of how God is working in your life. Sometimes it is hard to see what He is doing because of the pain and hurt, but there are always blessings and sometimes we just need to focus on them. Look for the beauty in life. Look for the good. It is everywhere. We just have to keep our eyes open to the beauty around us. 

Give Me Faith...

"Give me faith, to trust what You say. That You're good and Your love is great. I'm broken inside, I give You my life. I may be weak, but Your Spirit's strong in me. My flesh may fail, my God You never will!"

In my head I repeat this over and over and over again thinking it will make everything better. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. Tonight is one of those nights. For a week I have been fine so why now? why tonight? I can't answer that. All I know is that I have to daily choose to give up control...to give up trying to make it through without God, cause I never will. So here I sit choosing to give up control of this again. I will make it through. I will praise God tonight for who He is. 

Papa,

I know I'm weak, and I know I don't deserve the grace You give me. Please help me to see and do what You would have of me. I need to trust You, and I have to trust You. I will praise You for giving me this day, because I know that these next weeks will shape the rest of my life. I love You. Please forgive me for doubting Your plan. 

and all I hear is...

Be still and know

Blessed..

Everything happens for a reason. Pain comes and goes, but lessons last a lifetime. God is good. He wants the best for your life. It feels as if the world is righting itself and I can't explain what it feels to completely surrender to God. I feel free.

Last night I stayed up with my friend till 1 o'clock just praising God for who He is and how He works. Some things were said and I want to write them here because they may be just what you need to hear. "I'm healing. I can feel it, I didn't cry today! It will not get easier, but it will get more beautiful. And God says He loves me because I am perfectly flawed. I'm flawed, but one day I'll stand before God flawless...It took me to breakdown and see how weak I really am just to see how beautiful and strong God is and how He has designed the world for me just because He can. I am looking at the world through new eyes and it feels like I am seeing for the first time....It is amazing how life can be so ugly, but the scars when they heal, boy are they going to be beautiful. These scars were touched by God and turned into beauty. He loves our scars because they tell of a time of suffering and a time when God leaned down and touched our lives just because He loves us...We don't like everything that happens, but God has a plan...He wants me and I never understood that. But now I kind of do. He wants me because He desires to pour into me. He wants me because He has more in store for me or you than our brains could imagine. I was selfish to deny Him the privilege and who am I to deny the Creator of the Earth? My life is-and always has been-His and so is yours. He deserves all of us not the broken us."

This is my own personal reflections on how God is blessing me and teaching me to deal with struggles that have arrived in my life. I don't need to reflect on how awful things have been. I need to focus on God and what He is asking of me and He in turn will take care of my problems as long as I trust in Him. I need Him more than anything.

I have decided to devote the next year of my life working on turning my selfish behavior into selfless actions. I want to do more for others than I do for myself. Most of all I desire to help others see how blessed they truly are. It is incredible what happens when you look past yourself.

"Life is worth every second of pain, because every second of pain reminds us that we are still alive."

Heartstrings...

What are heartstrings? Heartstrings can be anything that keep your heart from finding freedom in God. It could be something as simple as tv and music or as hard as a relationship or drugs. There is something keeping most of us from achieving complete and total satisfaction in the Creator of you...yes you. He created you and knows exactly what you truly love. In Matthew 10 it talks about the rich man (otherwise known as Jeffrey) who asked what he had to do to receive eternal life. The rich man continued to tell Jesus all the commandments he had kept and it even says that Jesus loved this man, but when it came to the dirty dirty-the nitty gritty-the man could not give up his riches to follow God. So what is keeping you from following God into eternal life?

What heartstring are you being led to let go of? For me it is a relationship, one that I'm not fully capable of talking about yet. To work on letting go of this heartstring, I have written it down on a cardboard heart with a string attached and I will display it somewhere noticeable that I will see everyday. Everytime I see it, I will continue to pray and ask God to break this heartstring so that I may find  complete surrender in Him. It isn't that I can't have this relationship or a different form of this relationship it only means that it will not keep me from freely living for God. Once I feel that I have broken this heartstring, I will break the string on the cardboard heart and return it to my fellow youth leaders symbolizing freedom from that heartstring.

So again I ask, what is keeping you from living for God? Is eternal life worth giving up that one thing?  If you decide to do something similar please write me and let me know how it works out and what your heartstring is. I would love to pray for you on your journey. Please pray for me as I start mine as well. When it gets tough remember God said: "Be still and know that I am God." He has your best interest at heart.